she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
