i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
