I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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