Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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