Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
