That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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