I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
