don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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