My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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