I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
