So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
