My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
there is glitter all over my balls
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