if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
