I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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