dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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