My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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