John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
