First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
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