I just pynch a tree in the face
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
