I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
