I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
When are your genitals available?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
