shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
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