have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
