Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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