I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
