Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i love accidental penises.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
