Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
