Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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