Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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