when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
