I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Randomize
