My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
