woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
