She is in my trunk
I cannot find my penis.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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