Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
