Can Purell be used as lube?
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
