remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
