Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
