So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
