every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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