Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize
