do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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