They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
