Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
