I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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