drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
