apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
