if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Drake has all the answers
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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