I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
