I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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