She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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