I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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