the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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