Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
