I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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