Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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