i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Sext me about skeletons
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize