I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
