I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
high people should be assigned attendants
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize