It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
