can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
